Dear Aunt Agatha:

Leaves are falling and soon we will be in the middle of the usual holiday fights over guns. You should hear some of our relatives. They think the founders made a mistake with the second amendment, that our guns will leap out of the cabinet and attack them, and that we are irresponsible parents and a menace to polite society. I’m tired of the smug attitudes, and also tired of hearing the little cousins cry when their parents won‘t let them play with our toy guns. Help!

Dirty Harry and Annie Oakley

Dear Dynamic Duo:

First, let Aunt Agatha congratulate you on your collection of real and pretend weapons. Character can sometimes be inferred from possessions, and legal gun ownership, like a goodly store of staples or the presence of large well-behaved dogs, speaks well of a person.

And of course, children will play with pretend guns regardless of parental prohibitions. In liberal households twigs, socket wrenches, toilet paper rolls and Legos will be pressed into service. Some of your relatives’ snide comments may be simple jealousy, because while you can just hand over the marshmallow shooters and join in the fun, they must endlessly patrol the uses of spatulas and run to censor any percussive utterances. Also, they never get to be the sheriff.

The real problem here is not guns. The problem is that your liberal family members have a loose, random, or completely nonexistent connection to reality.

However, we must recognize that issues of crime prevention and constitutionality are not ideal starting points for the conversion of the heathen. Engage them on other topics - Aunt Agatha particularly recommends the cherished and utterly discredited assumption that President Obama would restore us to international respectability, or the now-proven lie that taxes would not go up, or the laughable assertions that if you liked your insurance and doctor, Obamacare would let you keep them

At this point your tormentors should be a bit off balance. You might choose to confront them with some newly adopted gift policies, but perhaps it is best to let them come slowly to the realization that from you they now receive only guns, range vouchers, ammo, holsters, Osama bin Laden outline targets and suchlike. When those are refused, all obligation to give further gifts is voided. As an added benefit you can then throw away, with no guilt whatsoever, all the Save The Whales t-shirts, reusable grocery bags, hemp candles and other ludicrous liberal tokens they have inflicted on you.

Aunt Agatha suggests you plan carefully for the future. As crime blindsides them or they grow up and can do as they choose, some family members may come to you for help and support. A careful assortment of firearms in a gun safe, money set aside for training, and a friendly, let-bygones-be-bygones attitude will serve you well. The first time someone hits a bullseye at the range, give them a biography of Ronald Reagan as a reward. Not too long after that they’ll decide to join the local gun owners group and the Republican Party.

When next you see their parents, your idiot brother-in-law with the sparse grey ponytail and your sister with the droopy cotton tights and native-print skirt, try not to gloat. Definitely do not offer to sign them up for “What Not to Wear.”

Aunt Agatha

Aunt Agatha’s family was driven to America from many points on the globe, some arriving on the Mayflower, some across the Rio Grande, some on a Boeing 747. All of them would rather spend eternity listening to Michelle Obama’s harangues than to call themselves hyphenated-anything-Americans. Agatha’s children are respectable members of society and her grandchildren are all far above average in every way; on this latter point discussion is futile and dissent disallowed. It is not unknown for a friend or relative of Aunt Agatha to conduct themselves in an unseemly fashion, or to vote for a Democratic candidate; but if observed in their foolishness, they are spoken to sternly by saner members of the clan.